Not long ago, I wrote a piece for Women Writers, Woman’s Books, an online literary magazine. This request coincided with the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the emerging #metoo movement. It was perfect timing because I had recently finished writing the rape chapter in my memoir (still in progress). I have included an excerpt and a link to read the full essay.
EXCERPT:
Healing Begins
Once I began writing, I couldn’t stop. It was as if my wounded teenage self—who yearned for healing—guided my fingers like a magical puppeteer. I began writing the hardest material first: the rape I experienced as a 15-year-old virgin. Then I tackled the knifepoint abduction that occurred a month after the sexual assault.
Examined Every Detail
Completing the rape chapter took a whole winter and multiple revisions. I examined every buried detail from that night: my rapist’s smell and threats, the way the room looked, the physical pain, his shaming comments when he felt he’d been cheated because I didn’t bleed. It also took a long time for me to realize that I had been raped—my definition of “rape” had always involved being jumped and beaten by a stranger in a dark alley, but I had known my 19-year-old abuser.
It Wasn’t my Fault
My shift in perception—realizing that I’d been raped and it wasn’t my fault—didn’t begin until my 92-year-old mother helped me relive the experience. It was as if she was leading a blind person through a minefield. Once the details were on the page, I realized I wouldn’t hesitate to call it rape if the scenario involved my own daughter. In fact, I would have delighted in stringing the perpetrator up by his balls and beating the crap out of him. For over forty years, I had recalled the abuse with my naïve 15-year-old memories of guilt and shame. It took my mother’s guidance, much reflection, and many revisions to stop blaming myself.
I Blamed the Victim
After reading about the recent scandal involving Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, I was amazed (almost vindicated) that one of his accusers internalized her experience in the same way that I had. Lucia Evans told The New Yorker, “I just put it in a part of my brain and closed the door. It was always my fault for not stopping him. I had an eating problem for years. I was disgusted with myself. It’s funny, all these unrelated things I did to hurt myself because of this one thing.” Like Evans, I blamed myself, the victim, instead of blaming the perpetrator—probably like millions of women all over the world who have been assaulted. Evans opened her door by coming forward. I opened mine by writing.
As do many sexual abuse victims, I silently blamed myself for my rape. I now realize that the subconscious guilt and shame I felt colored many of my life choices and decisions. I wonder what the years may have looked like had my rape not occurred. Would I have picked different partners? Would I be in a long-term loving relationship today? I’ll never know.
Monica your writing, like you, is amazing!!! Thank you for sharing your life. Love, Tamara
Thank you for sharing your story. So sorry that you carried it for so many years. What a blessing that your mother helped you realize it wasn’t your fault, and to promote an avenue for you to heal. I’m looking forward to reading more
I feel relief for you in some way. Reading your story brings so many memories back, different occurrences in my life that I closed off. No matter what we each experience it takes courage & bravery, love of self to do what you’ve done by sharing. How painful to carry such a burden. You’ve always been a beautiful person, you’re radiating more now. God Bless you & your heart. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah I was molested, or raped by 3 different men when I was 7, 9 and 14… when I got sober they were on my amends list because I mistakenly searched deep for my part and when my therapist found out during one session he became “unglued”! Even my sponsor at the time didn’t realize I was but only a victim… thank God I was walked through the pain and able to heal, but I also know the scar never goes away. Those encounters affect my life to this day. I am 63 and was truly just a victim!